Always.....
by Kiva
Summary: Isabel's POV at Alex's funeral.It's been done before, I thought I'd have a crack at it.;)It's very disjointed, as thats how I'd imagine she felt.Feel free to R&R.->


These characters are not mine. I've simply borrowed them for a while, in the hopes of keeping Alex's spirit alive. This fic is Isabel's POV at Alex's funeral. It may have been done before, but I thought I'd add my take. This was written after I'd watched "Cry your Name" for about the 50th time. So remember….no one knows about Tess being responsible. I hope you let me know what you think. Whether you like/dislike. Enjoy……………  
  
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I stood there, staring.  
  
Beloved Son.  
  
Those were the words. The words that Alex's parents had chosen to put on his…Gravestone.   
  
See? I can't even think the word. No, 'cause that might make it real. Then Alex might really be dead, and I won't wake up and realise it's a mistake.  
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I can feel the tears running freely down my face. They feel disgusting. So do the clothes I'm wearing. The air I'm breathing. The sun that's beating down on me.   
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How can it be sunny on a day like this?!  
The thought enters my mind before I can censor it.  
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Come on Isabel. Of course it can be sunny. The world doesn't resolve around you, and your conceptions of how things are supposed to be.  
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But, it's not right. I'm standing here, mourning. And the rest of them…are sunbathing, or God knows what else.  
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The internal argument continues.  
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I've been doing that a lot lately. Thinking one thing, and then contradicting myself.   
It's as if, when I heard the news, I…split, into two different people. One feels everything so deeply, and the other tries to balance it all out by being overly rational.  
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I've been doing that a lot, too.  
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Psychoanalysing everything.  
I know the real reason I do it. It's to block out the noise.  
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Since that night in the Crash down, there's been this…total lack of hearing.   
No, that's not true, I can still hear. But, whenever anyone talks it's like…this droning, like a whole hive of bees, buzzing, and droning. I don't know how much longer I can stand it.  
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I keep thinking over what's happened. The "What ifs? " and the "If onlys".  
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That night, what if I hadn't pressured him on the phone, trying to get him to meet me. What if he was on his way to see me at the Crash down.  
Why did I have to tell him I was staying 'til closing? I could have met him at his house.  
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I remember that night. Listening to Max and Michael talk about movies.  
Looking at pictures of the Prom, with Tess and Kyle.  
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Hearing Maria scream from the kitchen.  
Watching her fly into Liz's arms.  
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Standing slowly, afraid at the look on Valenti's face. Part of me hoping that maybe it was a member of Maria's family. The other part of me being disgusted I would think such things.  
See? There's that thing again… Two sides of me.   
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Thinking back, that might have been when it started.  
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Hearing Valenti's words…those words changed my life.  
Thinking back on it, maybe that's when my hearing went.  
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I remember coaching the others on what Max would do, when he revived Alex. I was actually already working out a cover story to tell Hanson.  
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The disappointment, and total disbelief when it didn't happen.  
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For a few moments, all I could see was Max's failure.  
Then the tears in his eyes…and the blood, on his hands.  
When they bought his body from the van…I just followed them with my eyes.  
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I couldn't do anything…so I walked.  
Away from everyone, away from the truth.  
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I was aware that Max followed me. He didn't try to comfort me. He knew how I would react. He just stayed behind me, making sure I made it home safely.  
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My parents were there. They came over, and hugged us both. My mom took me to my room.  
Made me lie down.  
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Then you snuck up on me, in the Crash down. God, I've never been that happy.  
You told me it had all been a misunderstanding. We made plans to go out. I knew, I knew…. I should have questioned it.  
Maybe then, it wouldn't have felt like my world was pulled apart at the seems, when I woke up to my mom stroking my hair. Comforting me, because you were dead. Because it was a dream.  
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I couldn't get over it.  
You helped us save Max from Government alien hunters, and countless other threats.  
And you die………in a car accident?!  
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I got up that morning from shear willpower.  
I confronted my mom in the kitchen. My mind was reeling with images of loved ones, injured, dead.  
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In that instant, I made up my mind. To get as far away from people that I could hurt, as possible. The buzzing stopped slightly when I made my mind up that day.  
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I went to school, and I remember Maria, freaking at the fake mourning the school had descended into.  
I wanted to agree, to scream, to shout…but I couldn't work up the energy.  
I looked at Max's face…the tears in his eyes, and I thought of how he would be if I got our parents killed.  
Or Michael, or Liz.  
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And I told them my decision.  
I honestly thought he'd be pleased. I mean, I was saving him from heartache here.  
But, we argued. And the buzzing came back, full force.  
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When I realized that before had been a dream, that you weren't there…the second time wasn't as bad.  
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I stand here, listening to the drone. Real life is starting to intrude. I can hear Maria trying to keep herself together long enough to finish singing.  
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I can hear other people's grief.  
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Other people's words of comfort to each other.  
And I remember back to Grant. Grant Sorenson, whose death was because of aliens, because of us.  
No matter how indirectly.  
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As the real world comes back into focus, I look around. Tess has been giving me these looks.  
Like she feels guilty.  
I haven't the energy to resolve it, but I think it's 'cause Alex was trying to get back with me, when Tess showed up.  
Maybe she feels responsible some how.  
  
It doesn't matter.  
All that matters is that you're gone.  
  
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I'm getting ready. Max has promised to take me to Fraser Woods tonight.  
I feel this need to look at the stars.  
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You'll probably never know what you mean to me Alex.  
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You made me see that I was beautiful. Inside.  
That I was lovable. That I didn't have to pull away, I could open up to you.  
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I hope wherever you are Alex that you know..just how much you meant to me.  
And that I'll always love you Alex………always.  
  
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End file.
